Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
