I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
