So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
