Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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