so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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