$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
