Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It's shark week go big or go home
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
