So drunk its hurt
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
