You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize