p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
