Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
