I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
