And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
As shirtless as possible
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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