At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
