: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
