i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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