I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize