did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
someone threw a dead crab at me
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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