I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
