I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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