Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
