I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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