Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
