how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
