I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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