I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
