All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Sober January is a disaster.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
