I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
