They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize