just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
