I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
