Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
