I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
