So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize