he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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