i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize