I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
