My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
