Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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