just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
