I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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