just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
