and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
