I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
