Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
