So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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