apparently the secret to your success is patron
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
