i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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