i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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