a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
