So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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