you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
