i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
