I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
