I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
it was like his penis was on wheels.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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