So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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