i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
