ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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